I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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