I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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