I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
