I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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