i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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