i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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