This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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