I need help removing her.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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