I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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