guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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