I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
