I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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