Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
