i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
