guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
