He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
