My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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