420 ftw
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize