Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You ruined the universe
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
