there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
My liver just had a heart attack.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
