Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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