Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize