**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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