Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
