It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
