Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
