you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
