Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
