Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize