btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
