two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I love having hate sex.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize