i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
