This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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