Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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