I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
