So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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