You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
This baby is an asshole
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
