I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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