I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
