I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
