Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
