got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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