On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
