I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
