i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
