remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
