Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
