this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
