I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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