I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize