What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
