Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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