i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
The Olympian is in my bed
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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