You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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