he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
