I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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