So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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