I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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