my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
